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It seems more than a little contradictory that the judges have continually emphasized youth and ‘freshness’ – shunning girls who photograph ‘older’ and putting 26-year-olds out to pasture - and now they’re bringing back girls who competed nearly a decade ago! If they couldn’t snag a modeling gig when they were fresh faced kittens, what are the chances for superstardom now that they are *Gasp* closing in on 30?!
But it’s not just about modeling anymore. Tyra is searching for ‘star power’ and she’s going outside the box to find it. This season we can expect song writing, music videos, fragrance development, and prime-time TV auditions…all brought to you by the chicks who turned 30-second make-up commercials into Shakespearean style tragedies. I can’t WAIT to watch this damage!
In the first episode, the girl’s arrived at the Top Model Mansion in Los Angeles and had their first photo shoot in the backyard. They portrayed over the top versions of the memorable personas they embodied the first time around.
So who are some of the bitches back for this train-wreck?
-Southern sweetheart Laura from the petite Cycle (13), who at 5’8 was nearly normal sized anyway! She poses as a ‘Country cutie’, holding a fishin’ pole and wearing her best ‘aww Gosh’ face. Laura still rocks clothing that her grandmamma made her, but she “take(s) hee-haw and make(s) it high fashion!”
-Bianca, from Cycle 9. You know…that chick who got into an airport fistfight with the chubby girl from Hairspray. She saunters into the house with attitude on high alert, already searching for a new sparring partner. Bianca poses as ‘loud and sassy’ and certainly lives up to her stereotype when she whines about getting red hair extensions 3 minutes into her first shoot.
-Lisa, a mouthy crazy chick from Cycle 5 (one of the cycle’s I’ve never seen) who is apparently best known for peeing in a diaper during her season. Wow…glad I skipped that! She poses as a ‘wild child’ – hurling herself into a soap filled swimming pool.
-Allison, from Cycle 12, the wide-eyed waif who finished one spot short of the top prize. She’s still winning raves for her unique fashion sense and has the Top Model fans eating out of her tiny hands. Naturally Allison posed as a ‘quirky doll’ in a polka dot baby dress, with a giant lollipop in her hand.
-Dominique, from Cycle 10, who is best remembered for her mannish features and her trademark tranny chic. She poses as ‘masculine feminine’. The judges are impressed that Dominique popped out a baby just 2 months before stomping back down the Top Model runway
-…And from tranny-like to an actual tranny…Isis, from Cycle 11 is back! She’s finally gotten her gender reassignment surgery so there won’t be any pesky bikini tape issues this season. She embodies ‘confidence’ in her first photo shoot.
-Kayla, from Cycle 15 - the first ‘high fashion’ season. She’s lost the bright red hair, but just in case you were wondering…she’s still gay. Kayla is forced to portray a ‘super lesbian’ in her photo shoot, draped in a rainbow flag. The people behind Top Model never cease to amaze me with their tact and sensitivity.
-Shannon, the old hag of the bunch, who comes to us all the way from Cycle 1! Her claim to fame is being the only girl in Top Model history to ever get away with refusing to pose nude. And it’s not just her birthday suit she won’t wear on camera…she doesn’t do underwear either. Shannon poses as the ‘angelic girl’ during her photo shoot, and causes a stink when her wardrobe involves a lace shorts that are too much like undergarments. Shannon opts to wear revealing bikini bottoms, rather than slip the shorts on over top.
When all the photos have been presented and critiqued, it’s Brittany, a ‘party girl ‘ from Cycle 4 who’s sent packing. Her biggest sin?...being unmemorable – a huge Top Model All Star no no.
Guest Judge Nicki Minaj seems confused when Shannon tries to explain why it’s okay to wear tiny bikini bottoms…as long as they’re not actually panties. She yells to the crowd at the live judging:
“Those look like panties to me. Do those look panties to y’all”
Even All ‘Star Power’ couldn’t stop the Top Model slide. At 1.9 million viewers it produced decent numbers for the CW, but it’s nearly a million viewers off last fall’s premiere.