Sunday Night Porn

Since the very first episode of True Blood, I've been having the same argument with my boyfriend. I say the show is essentially porn and he isn't quite convinced.

Although last year he did give in once during one episode in which I was particularly insistent. He was in the midst of denying it....just as a scene came on where two people followed a string of clothes to a clearing in the woods....where the entire town was having sex with each other! He kind of shrugged his shoulders and I just looked at him and said....PORN!!!!

Everything about True Blood is so gratuitous and titillating. From the sex, to the violence, it's all graphic and visceral and way overdone. Vampires don't just have sex, they do it super speed, with everything pulsating and gyrating all over the place. They don't just get staked and turn into dust, they dissolve into spongy, sticky messes of bloods and guts, spraying everyone in the vicinity. And when they feel like taking out a human, it's not just a nip to the throat, it's limbs being ripped off and torn to shreds. Shock value to the extreme! Last year one of the major plot threads was an evil goddess type figure whose major power was hypnotizing people to have sex with each other in public...yeah...I'm not sure you can even get more porn than that.

Here are a few things that happened on Sunday's third season premiere, further building on my theory.

1) Eric having sex (at super speed naturally) with a human who was strung up by ropes - compete with a full frontal shot of her splayed form.

2) Eric then bragging to Sookie about the fact that this sex had been going on for six hours - suggestively asking her if Bill had less stamina.

3) Jason getting a blow job from a woman - followed by a detailed conversation about how soft his member was and how long she'd been trying to get it cooperate.

4) A second girl coming into Jason's room and complaining that Hoyt was so depressed he "didn't even want to watch her play with herself."

5) Jason suggesting that since he couldn't get it up, the girls should just mess around with each other instead - and them actually doing it!

6) Finally - and this one is my favourite - Sam having a dream which consisted of Bill showing up shirtless at his cabin, asking Sam to take off his shirt and give it to him, then getting all up into his personal space and saying he wanted to take a shower, while looking Sam up and down all suggestively. He asks Sam if he wants to join him and Sam's all like "yeah I think I do". And just as they were clearly about to make-out, Sam wakes up.

I mean COME ON! My boyfriend claims Sam's dream was because he ingested a lot of Bill's blood last year and anyone who ingests a vampire's blood has a sexual connection to them, resulting in weird dreams (like Sookie with Eric last year). Okay, fine, but it's still just a thinly veiled excuse for pointless homo-eroticism. And don't get me wrong, I'd get on board the Sam and Bill sex train (well maybe Sam and Eric, Bill's a little bland for my taste) but it's still really PORNY!

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with porn, but just because you mask it with shallow characterization, weak plot lines, give it a supernatural theme and call it a television show, doesn't make it any less PORN!

Bore Yourself Thin

I recently joined Booty Camp Fitness, a popular female fitness bootcamp.

I have nothing but positive things to say about the fitness bootcamp. It's a fantastic workout and I love it so far! But when you sign up for the camp, they give you a booklet, which includes fitness tips and nutritional suggestions. I was perusing through the nutritional section and found something that had me seeing red.

Among their list of tips was one called "Slim Down Your Mind, Slim Down your Body". It said, and I quote "Stick to a boring menu. Eliminate choices. If you eat the same menu every day, you will eat less and food will play a lesser role in your life.". They cited a 'scientific study' in which two groups of people were given bowls of M&M's. One group had only one colour of M&M's and the other group had a variety of colours. The group who had more colours ate more candy on average.

I kind of wanted to rip the page out of the book in frustration.

First off....do you really need a study to prove that people will eat less if food is boring? DUH! If I could eat only oatmeal every day, I would get incredibly sick of oatmeal and probably eat a lot less.

But the real issue here is that they're suggesting people should sacrifice the fun and variety of the culinary world just to stay thin. As someone with a deep love of food, this irks me. But it's a common theme among diet/nutrition literature - sacrificing everything to look good and be 'healthy'. Peel the skin off your chicken, bake or steam everything, avoid oils, butter, cheeses, sugar, carbs...blah blah blah. And don't forget to count calories and write every single thing you eat in a food journal.

And this isn't aimed at obese people or those with serious food issues. When it gets to that point, you SHOULD take drastic measures to get back to a healthy weight. It's aimed at women with a little extra flab, who want to look good in bikini's. So is it worth it? If you eat bland, boring food, I'm sure you will get closer to that elusive six pack. But how often could you sip a fruity cocktail, savour creamy sauces and dips or bite into freshly baked cookies or cupcakes?

I'm not perfect. I occasionally eat too much fast food, I drink far too much soda and I have serious potato chip addiction. I know there's nothing beneficial about those habits, and I'm trying to cut back. But I like being in shape. I'm willing to run, lift weights and hit the gym, to stay trim and keep my energy up. But I'm not willing to give up flavour for those last few pounds. You only live once so why shouldn't you enjoy all the delicious food the world has to offer? It's makes living pretty yummy!

I generally hate diet/weight loss shows, but I loved the recent ABC show Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution. It wasn't your typical nutritional lecture. He wasn't telling people to stop eating carbs or give up sweets. He was just trying to get them to switch from processed foods to freshly cooked meals. He still served tacos and spaghetti, but promoted raw ingredients and slightly healthier versions. It's simple and practical advice that can really help people control what they put in their mouths, without resorting to 'boring menus'.

So I'll keep pushing my fitness boundaries wherever I can, but come snack time, you won't find me separating my M&M's to avoid temptation.

Movie Weekend - Part 3: Revenge of the Tissue

Continuing on....

Extract

Jason Bateman owns an extract (like vanilla, almond, lemon, etc.) company, wishes he could have move sex with his wife, hires an amateur gigolo o pose as a pool cleaner and seduce her so he'll feel less guilty about sleeping with a cute new temp (who is actually a con artist trying to bankrupt his company), gets really angry when his wife actually goes for the gigolo and he continues to have sex with her...for free!

I wasn't expecting much, but this was a really funny movie! Jason Bateman and Kristen Wiig were great, which wasn't much of a surprise. Dustin Milligan, who was so bland on 90210 (the new class) was surprisingly funny as the dim gigolo. Ben Affleck was also amusing as Bateman's sketchy bar friend who accidentally gives him a cat tranquillizer and is pretty much responsible for the entire scheme. I can't remember the last time I saw Ben Affleck as the lead in anything high profile. He was smart to take cover after the Bennifer/Gigli/'starring in every movie made for 4 straight years' debacle, but I think he's paid his dues. It would be nice to see him back in the spotlight.

One side effect of this film was that it really made me want to start stocking up on every type of extract available. People kept listing them and I felt like my collection was lacking. Extract is pretty expensive though, so I'm trying to restrain myself until I actually need one for a specific recipe.

Up

I always meant to see this in theatres, but I somehow never got around to it and I've been waiting for it to hit the movie channels for months now.

The film starts with two children, talkative Ellie and shy Carl bonding over their shared love of adventure. Within the first 2 minutes of the film I was sobbing hysterically. I wailed through the entire musical montage of them getting married and growing old together. By the time Ellie passed away I was crying so hard, I was practically choking. It kind of set the tone for the whole experience. Throughout the whole movie, every time Carl said "Ellie", looked at a picture of Ellie or even got a wistful look in his face, I burst into hysterical tears. According to my boyfriend, my emotional outbursts would have made for a very successful You Tube video. There's apparently this popular video that some guy posted of his girlfriend crying at the ending of different films My boyfriend says I could easily take her. What can I say? I'm dangerously sentimental and nostalgic and watching a cartoon senior citizen lose his life partner was just too much for me!!!

Overall it was a beautiful, touching film and the perfect book-end to my movie weekend!

Movie Weekend - Part 2

Next up....

The Goods: Live Fast, Sell Hard (I may be paraphrasing the title a little, but I know it's called The Goods). I watched so many films today that I can barely remember what happens in half of them. This one kind of got lost in the shuffle. It was kind of lame though. Jeremy Pivin and friends are hot shot travelling car sales experts who are hired by dealerships to move vehicles and whip employees into shape. Like most modern comedies it was unnecessarily vulgar. Exhibit a) woman trying to bed a 10 year old boy with a pituitary gland illness that puts him in the body of a 30 year old man. Exhibit b) man killed jumping out of a plane when his parachute is accidentally switched with a bag of sex toys.

But there were a lot of funny cameos and great actors in small roles. Alan Thicke as the owner of a rival dealership, Ed Helms as his obnoxious son who heads up the Man Band "Big Up". But my favourite was Craig Robinson as a DJ called DJ Request, who reacts hostilely when people try to tell him what to play...he he he. Craig Robinson always makes me laugh, even in a dumb movie.

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs

Cute enough, although it didn't leave a lasting impression. I think if I could pick one meal to rain from the sky it probably would be spaghetti and meatballs - even if it did turn into a mutated tornado of pasta. Kind of just seems like a good time!

Adventureland

I don't know what it is about movies that revolve around slightly nerdy young men who have yet to lose their virginity. I'm not a guy, but is it really that big a deal? Do we really need yet another 'coming of age' story about life as a sexual late bloomer. Having said that, this was a pretty decent film, even if I did have to put up with Kristen Stewart's sulky beak face for close to two hours.

I'd like to take a moment to acknowledge the awesomeness that is Bill Hader, who had a small part as the co-owner of Adventureland. He is fast becoming one of my favourite comedy performers. One of the funniest moments of the whole movie was watching him glue googly eyes onto stuffed bananas for games prizes. Especially when Kristen Wiig started using eye-patches when they ran out of of eyes to glue on.

Movie Weekend - Part 1

I get a lot of movie channels with my satellite package and my boyfriend and I have been PVRing them like crazy. But we almost never have time to watch them (what with the millions of TV shows we watch and the ridiculous amount of DVDs we buy). So we decided to devote this weekend to plowing through a bunch of them.

First up?

G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra

I should know better. But sometimes I just can't help myself. This was an atrocious film, even though I'll admit that I was barely paying attention (mostly because the parts I did see were so dumb).

So in the 1600's some Scottish guy gets tortured by French people for selling weapons to other countries. Hundreds of years later his ancestor is the head of a huge weapons manufacturing company. He hires a deformed doctor to create some green gas nano thingie that...umm...destroys cities and stuff? Throw in a ninja and a slutty brunette and you've got one quirky evil gang.

On the side of the All-American are some super soldiers known as the "Joe's" who are based on the 80's cartoon and line of action figures, which I never watched nor played with. Channing Tatum's remarkably square head and Marlan Wayans less than remarkable 'sassy attitude' crash their party and get a permanent invitation because Channing used to date the slutty brunette back when she was a lot more blond, but probably no less slutty.

The evil gang repeatedly attempts to steal some war-heads they can equip with their nifty nanos and the Joe's have to work overtime to foil their plans. Paris takes the first hit b/c the Scottish guy wants to teach French people a lesson about being mean to someone's great, great, great, great, great, great (deep breath) great grandfather. In a 'shocking' twist, Deformed Doctor turns out to be Slutty's brother, who was believed dead after an accident during the war in Iraq. He was actually disfigured in a lab explosion and has been skulking around in all black outfits, rocking a breathing apparatus. Like Darth Vader's nerdy little brother. He brainwashed his sister with some nano programming to keep her nearby and you know...evil. She eventually manages to override her programming out of innate desire to save her chiseled former lover.

Guess true love is more binding than a tight cat suit.

Basically it was a convoluted mess.

Random Dumbness: Marlan Wayans speaking celtic to a plane, b/c that's the only language it would take commands in!!!!